15: Order chinese-  Gloopy vegetables, boring rice, perfect for when you both begrudgingly meet half way and end up with something that makes no-one happy.

14: Watch films with Diane Keaton in- As opposed to helicopters, or vietnam or robots.

13: Go to the beach- Unless you're in a Doritos advert, you never get round to going with your friends. Solo trips are out of the question, no-one wants to be that sole man or as everyone else calls him, 'sinister voyeur' who sits on his own and pretends to read a book.

12: Sit silently across a country pub table drinking half-pints- ''Think of something to talk about... That younger couple at the next table have been talking and getting off with each other all night. God we must look old.... think, conversation... he's practically fingering her now.... Got it! The sinking of the Kursk!''

11: Lie in bed naked without any kind of sexual spark- And wake up rubbing your erection on the pillow you've been cuddling.

10: Stay sober at a wedding- While tutting patronisingly at the bloke who's been on the sauce since 11am and is now lurching around the dancefloor with the arse of his suit split open, a makeshift bandage on his hand and a flower behind his ear. Like you ever did that.

9: Drink Buck's fizz in bed,in the morning, in a crap hotel, in Cherbourg- Before staring at the mist, pretending to shoot seagulls, making a cup of instant coffee and wondering if you could walk to the ferry terminal in under 5 minutes.

8: Dog-sit for her mental spinster friend- Who unironically calls it 'my baby' as soon as you give it well aimed toe poke to the face for chewing your shoe.

7: Go and be in the audience of a TV show-At one point, watching your girlfriend dancing through the crowd towards the stage, waving her arms in the air and whooping. And thinking very, very hard about your future.

6: Go for long, adult, walks in the park- It's so cold you wish you had a spare sock on your nose, the tip of your penis has frostbite, the wind's so strong it's ripping new stress lines in your face and she's only snuggling up invcase she gets crushed by a falling wind-flailing tree. So why are you eating ice-cream, feeding near frozen ducks and worrying your car's 4 miles away. Getting clamped.

5: Lift the bottom of the duvet with your feet after farting- You'd usually lift the top to disperse the poisenous pong, but when she's around, a far subtler approach is required. Just don't drop the duvet too quickly or the 'backdraft' effect may see your girlfriend running screaming from the bed like that kid in Vietnam.

4: Drink orange juice from a glass- That pointy bit of the carton is for pouring, not sucking noisily. Who knew? See also: eating at a table and owning light shades.

3: Play with children- With her there, you're a magnet for the freeloading, sticky handedl ittle Napoleons. The second she's gone, you're about as kiddie friendly as Vladimir Putin crossed with the clown from It.

2: Visit farmer's markets- Usually on a sunday, having overdone it the night before. Stumble around feeling sick as she as she expresses incredulity at the size of vegetables, while imagining living in a rural idyll a la 'The Sound of Music', you haven't the heart to tell her it would be more like a scene from Platoon, with the slaughtering and the damn foliage.

1: Split up every time you go to Ikea- Ending the trip angrily sobbing while she drives off with a bloke dressed as a giant promotional hotdog.