Since apparently a lot of you simply won't put up with my shenanigans anymore, it's time that I come out with the truth.

A few of you super-sleuths figured out that I never did get into a fist-fight with a bunch of preps (they were furries), nor have I ever accidentally fingered a senile old lady (it was ON PURPOSE). And me getting tricked into rolling down a hill naked, covered in bubble-wrap, with a Mr. Perfect wrestling mask over my face...... well....... some of that was true, and I'm sticking to that.

But since a few of you are finally getting sick of me and my lies, I will describe a real day that happened to me. But wait! There's more! Included in this literary masterpiece will be another, yes, ANOTHER story that is completely and utterly fabricated.


I leave it up to you, dear eBaum users, to figure out which is the real me.


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-- How Family Guy Scored Me Sweet Sweet Sexings --


I looked down at my stomach and began to poke it. I was getting soft. Jesus, just last summer I had managed to get a decent build going on, and then once college hit, I decided to sit on my ever-widening ass and watch Family Guy all day. That reminded me.... I needed to watch the third season again. That shit never got old.

Ah, Peter. When will you ever learn, you silly fat bastard? The same scenes played before my eyes, and I still laughed hysterically.

"Move the towel. Move the towel- uh! Uh, I've been spotted!" Caused a full brownie to shoot out my left nostril.

Suddenly, there it was! Inspiration! Oh, Peter! How can I ever thank you? Quickly, I found a cardboard box and tore one of the sides off. Then, I carved a small circle into it. This was either going to be a smashing success, or a tragic failure. Either way, there'll be a good laugh afterwards.

That's when I made my way to the girl's locker room. This was totally going to rule. I got myself set up, and began to wait. Do any of you know how exhausting it is to stay in a squatting position for three hours?

Me neither.

5 minutes later, a small group of young ladies walked into the locker room and began to undress right in front of me. Their legs looked so soft and supple. Their asses were round and perfect. Their-

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!?" Their tits screeched.

I was caught. It never occurred to me that this could be seen as sexual harrassment. I began to stammer.

"Uh.... ah.... uhhm..... AH HAFF DOWN SYNDOME!!" I suddenly blurted out.

Taken aback, they let out a collective, "Awwwwww!" and surrounded me. I was like their new favorite pet. I played the part perfectly by standing there giggling, and drooling. Either way, I was just being myself and they loved me.

"What's your name?" One of the girls asked.
"BILLY!!" I yelled triumphantly.
"Oooh, Billy. That suits you. Say, Billy, do you think you could show us your.... um.... thing?"

I quickly thrusted my..... cardboard peephole into her hands. The other girls laughed along with her.

"No, silly! I'm talking about your OTHER thing." She pointed to my crotch.
"YOU WANNA THEE MAH THUPER-HAPPY-THPESHUL-PLATHE!?" I inquired, looking frightened.
"Oh yes, Billy. We all want to see your super-happy-special-place." She said seductively as she undid my pants.

...........


Retards get a TON of sex.


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-- The Lucky Penny --


*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Fucking

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

alarm..... where's that snooze button? Oh, right, there it is. Ahhhh, sweet silence. So relaxing, I think I'll just close my eyes for just a-

*SNORE*

--- Not enough minutes later ---

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Fucking

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

alarm..... where's that snooze button? Oh, right, there it is. Ahhhh, sweet silence. So relaxing, I think I'll just close my eyes for just a-

*SNORE*

--- 5 minutes later ---

"Matt, get up! You will be late for class!"

I heard my roommate's voice interrupt my sweet sweet dreams. That bastard.

"Shuffuyuhfuginfremie" I muttered.
"I'm sorry? Could you please say that again?"
"I said 'shut up you fuckin' Frenchie'"
"Oh. Well, hurry up."

I rolled my eyes and shut off my alarm. I sat there furiously rubbing my eyes for the next five minutes, and got up to take a shower.

AIIIEEEE!!! Too cold!! MYYYAAAAARGH!!! Too hot!! Ahhhhhhhh, just right. I began to rinse my hair and turned towards my towel. I hate getting water in my eyes. After quickly wiping the water away, I grabbed my shampoo bottle. Pert Plus is fucking amazing.

Shampoo AND medium conditioner, baby. My hair is gonna be totally soft when it dries. I squeezed my eyes shut and washed my hair.

Shit, I forgot to get my sideburns.

I poured more shampoo onto my hands and stopped. Hmmmmmmm.....

..........

After I finished jerking off, I turned off the water.

Ahhh, sweet relief. I grabbed my towel, and went back into my room. Shit, I only have fifteen minutes to get to class. I'd better hurry.

Shirt: Check
Clean Underwear: Check
Pants: Check
Socks: Who wears socks?
Sneakers: Check

I snatched my wallet and ID off my desk. Then, I bolted towards the dreaded elevators and pushed the down button. Come on, come on. Hurry up, you fucking bastards. Hurry the fuck up.

-- Ten minutes later --

*SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM*

I was pounding the fucking down button with my fist.

"HURRY UP, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!" I screamed as the elevator doors opened, revealing the faces of several shocked girls.

"Hey ladies." I grinned as I stepped on the elevator.

I was promptly ignored. Fucking bitches. And of course, since I live on the ninth floor, the elevator just HAD to stop at EVERY FUCKING FLOOR ON THE WAY. When I finally hit the bottom floor, I ran out from the elevator, ignoring the whispers from the girls calling me a 'fucking psycho'. God, I hate women. I wish I were gay.

Actually, I don't like gays much either. I just can't win, can I?

I ran and ran and ran. Oh, how I ran. Ooooo, a penny!

I bent down and picked up a shiny new penny. It was heads up. Yay! Luck was sure to come my way, I thought to myself as I continued to run towards class.

"Woo!" I cheered to myself as I made it with a minute to spare.
"WOOO!!" I cheered to the world as I read the class cancellation sign.
"YEEEEEE!!!" I squealed to myself as I saw one of the girls in the elevator get hit in the face with a door.



It's definitely the penny.


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So, eBaums. Which is it? Which is the real Matt Maiorano? Scroll down for the answer:








































































You guessed it! Story number 1 was the correct answer!

Everybody knows there's no such thing as lucky pennies.