In the tradition of companies going to absurd lengths to zero in on Millennial sensibilities, Chuck E. Cheese has pledged to modify their menu to appeal to Millennial moms by expanding their beer and wine options.

The goal of these changes is to make Chuck E. Cheese fit into a new mom’s “millennial lifestyle,” which, apparently, includes drinking microbrews in plain view of their children. Greg Casale, Chuck E. Cheese’s head chef (which is a thing) says that: “kids know it’s a fun place to go, but millennial moms want to provide that great experience without sacrificing for themselves.” This, I feel, is Casale’s way of covering what he thinks is the hardest part of being a millennial mom: balancing your children’s happiness with your own need for trendy, selfie-worthy experiences. Of course, this assumes that there’s some amount of alcohol which would make a person comfortable with watching a creaky, animatronic rat sing show-tunes which, trust me, there isn’t.

While these new additions will certainly appeal to millennial parents more than the MGD and Miller Lite most Chuck E. Cheese’s now serve, I think their best use will be classing up much of the violence that occurs at the average Chuck E. Cheese when any sort of disappointment befalls its patrons, like this recent incident in March when a bunch of Chuck E. Cheese workers and managers were attacked when a photo-booth broke:

http://wapo.st/1Hpa4XI

Here’s a tip, Chuck E. Cheese: Make your locations less dangerous and uncomfortable, and maybe younger parents will go there. At least until some enterprising Millennial decides to back the better choice: Discovery Zone.

http://time.com/money/4060154/chuck-e-cheese-millennials-beer-wine/

http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB122878081364889613

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2015/03/09/chuck-e-cheeses-employees-attacked-by-mob-of-birthday-party-attendees-police-say/