I pop four of them in my mouth, my mind asks... "Chewing them this time, or just swallowing Deunan?" I ponder that for a moment. If I chew them I will be blasted into pure orgasmic rapture in ten to fifteen minutes, everything passing so quickly I can't keep tabs. If I swallow them I will slowly open the gates to Nirvana and experience all life has to offer at whatever speed I choose. Decisions, decisions. While I'm pondering they are melting under my tongue. I like the taste, most don't. I decide to chew two of them and swallow the other two. Now the ride will be something resembling a billion mile per hour rollarcoaster in the zero 'g' vastness of space and time itself.

The fifteen minutes that I have to wait seems like an eternity. I could, of course skip the fifteen minute wait by liquefying the pills and injecting them straight into my blood stream. That thought terrifies me so I ignore it completely. I also know that if I crushed and snorted them the affect would be instantaneous. That thought also terrifies me. I will never do either of those things (says the addict...lol).

Time's up, Yay! I feel my stomache lining start to warm up. I've always liked that feeling. Soon I feel my heart rate slow. With every beat pure pleasure is pulsing through my torso. My rate of breathing slows and I can feel the tension in my muscles giving way. I can feel my liver being deluged with massive amounts of Tylenol. (most pharmecuetical opiates have large amounts of Tylenol) It's rather unpleasant but within seconds the opiates take the unpleasant feeling and kick it's fucking teeth in. My spine begins to tingle and seconds later my mind explodes in a warm wash of feelings there are no real words for. You know that warm feeling in your brain immediately following an orgasm? Times that by 1000, if not more.

Within minutes there's not a single cell in my body that isn't ALIVE! For most, I've heard anyway, the opiates cause the nerves to become less sensitive therefore killing the pain. I can understand that but it doesn't work that way for me. My nerves are more sensitive to everything BUT pain. There is no more pain only pleasure. Everything feels, tastes, smells, looks and sounds better. Mentally I am renewed. No more depression, anxiety, moodiness,fear or confusion. Everything is as it should be. There is nothing I cannot do. Nothing to fear and nothing to worry about.

That soon will change though. Today it took four of them to feel this way. Next week it will take ten. Next month it may take twenty five. At some point my liver will cease to function, my lungs will no longer work and my heart will cease to beat. How can something that makes you feel so RIGHT be so fucking WRONG? Do not try to answer this question for me, I already know the answer. 

Will I ever indulge in my Chemical Bliss again? Today I can tell you, whole heartedly, NO! Do I want to? For fuck's sake YES! Will I indulge tomorrow? Well, today I can tell you no, ask me again tomorrow. I want as many "NO'S" under my belt as I can get.

Tomorrow will be better than today....I swear!

Deunan