Two nights ago a friend of mine asked me to take him to the grocery store because he was "too fucking sick" to drive himself. Being the nice person I am (nothing good was on TV) I said sure.

I went and got him from his place. He comes out to the car and plops himself down in the passenger seat. He looks like ten shades of death, but insists we go to the store anyway. He said he desperately needs stuff "to survive". He was smoking at that point, so I guess he wasn't all that bad off.

Nothing of real interest happened while shopping. We separated at oe point so I could pick up some stuff as well, then met back up in the produce section. When I arrived, he was standing there chatting up a very attractive lady. My first thought was why would someone who looks like that be talking to someone who looks like he does. (I guess confidence is the name of the game, not appearance.) Anyway, they we laughing and joking; she seemed really into him. Fucking asshole.

Anyway, it's checkout time and this lovely young lass follows us to the aisle. They're too involved in the conversation, so I start loading my shit onto the conveyor. The girl working the register does not acknowledge me in the least, and seemed to be pretty pissed off at having to work, so I kept my mouth shut and paid for my stuff. Then it's my pal's turn. He's so into his little conversation he doesn't notice I've already paid, and he's holding up the small line forming behind us. The checkout girl rolls her eyes, huffs, and yells at him "NEXT!" He shoots her this chill-out look and starts to load his shit on. I notice he's taking his sweet time, and so does the checkout girl. She has the gall to say to him "You can load it faster, ya know. It moves by itself"...or something like that. Anyway, I notice while he's loading the groceries and chatting with his new-found piece of potential ass he sticks something in the magazine rack from the cart.

Apparently the checkout girl noticed too.

She yells at him "What did you put there? Do you not want that? You can't leave that there!" Everyone behind us take notice at this point, as does little miss grocery-flirt. He stammers that he didn't put anything there nervously and tries to ignore it, but Fuer Checkout doesn't buy it. "I saw you. If you don't want it put it back." He ignores her and goes to pay, but instead she walks out from the register to the magazine rack and picks up what he stashed. She smiles, holds it up to him and says "If you don't want the Preparation-H you should really put it back. That's not our job." He was buying fucking hemorrhoid cream and didn't want the hot chick to see it!

People behind us start snickering, the checkout girl smiles ever so slightly in victory, and I start laughing hysterics. He fumbles out the words "That's not mine. I don't want it" but nobody's apparently buying THAT either. He pays, and sheepishly walks to the side to wait for grocery store hottie to finish paying. When she's done, he asks her for her phone number and name and shit. She writes down her seven digits, her name and then left.

He calls me this morning. Last night he tried to call this "Amber" girl who gave him the number. Nobody at that residence is named Amber! She gave him a fake number! All because of the ass cream! He got cockblocked by a checkout clerk! I think it serves him right for past indiscretions...he thinks the grocery clerk should die a horrible death...either way he ain't getting laid tonight. 

I thought it was hilarious, and that maybe you guys would too. Who picks people up at the grocery store anyway? What a cockbag.

Thanks for reading,

-The Big Bad