Look, I understand that being a teenager is difficult/riddled with horrendous fashion faux pas/clumsy sexual encounters or the lack thereof. I don't have first hand experience of this phenomenon, however, as I was born in a time before teenagers existed. That's right, you little punks, you think you've got it bad? Noone understands you and your insistence on listening to Marilyn Manson while capturing a new profile picture with the just the precise amount of smouldering angles not at all reflective of your actual face? Well, suck it up! In my day, teenagers didn't even EXIST. And not in that 'God, why can't anyone SEE me? Not even with my 48 facial piercings?' way. No! The term was not yet coined. Though I would have loved to have sat idly around, penning horrible poetry for my negligent boyfriend and railing against 'the man',  in my day you worked from the age of seven for slops and a space on the floor to sleep with the all the other worker bees. Or so I was told by the people who I think are my parents. Look at me! I'm not bitter. I'm not complaining. At all!

Yes, much like a seamonkey, I was instantly transformed from adorable, cherubic infant to the well-rounded, fully formed and high-funtioning adult you know and love today--just by adding water. I turned out fine. Teenagers of today however, the so-called 'Emos' (from where is this term derived? It is completely nonsensical), are pussies. Look how badass teenagers of the past were. Not to mention their music was a thousand percent better than yours:

MODS AND ROCKERS: 



This was style, kids. Who says teenagers can't look good while beating the hell out of eachother for riding mopeds and not motorcycles? Nothing looks better on a Mod's tight white shirt than someone else's blood. A switchbalde and a motorbike was all it took to get noticed. You're listening to: Elton John, 'Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting' (or at least you were later on, once you were old and nostalgic):



PUNKS:



Punk is not something I'm hugely familiar with, but my, they certainly were angry about something. Societal illls, having to work, not very fond of the Queen, apparently not many future prospects. Whatever! You're listening to:  The Saints, (I'm) Stranded:

The Saints: I'm stranded
HEADBANGERS



You're pretty much killing it as a metal kid. Noone's messing with you. Your idiot peers call you a loser for not liking Duran Duran, but you grow up to have impeccable taste, loads of sex and a high paying job in a corporate environment by the age of 32. You spit on the grave of My Chemical Romance that you dug with your own hands. You win at life. You're listening to Motorhead, 'Ace of Spades': 

Motorhead - Ace Of Spades
GOTHS



Goths are just like emos, only totally fucking awesome. In other words, not at all like emos. They had superior taste in literature, dabbled for real in the black arts and made a life-long aversion to the outdoors look romantic, and not like you've got jaundice. It's been done before kids, only with music that was worth contemplating suicide to. Then recanting, because you looked so cool. You're listening to A Forest by the Cure:

The Cure - A forest
GRUNGE KIDS



There was so much to rage against in the 90s! So many machines! Male, white, corporate oppression; McJobs;  AIDS; snickers bars; Winona Ryder and the Knack. At least that's what I learned from Reality Bites. We watched that and it was like, whoa, is this a documetary of our lives, or a movie?! Just, so so accurate. So much sucked about the nineties, but teenagers couldn't be bothered because it was all about not caring, and how deeply you could not care. Only not too deeply. A fine balance which required smoking a lot of pot. You're listening to 'The Rooster' by Alice in Chains:

Rooster
EMOS



No wonder you're so upset all the time. If I had to listen to, and possibly pretend to like 30 Seconds to Mars for fear of being razored by my peers, I'd be feeling like topping myself too: