It's a Monday and I'm the first in the office so I go into the accounts receivableoffice and drop trou. I sit on the pristine glass desk top and leave butt-prints. The natural oils and skin cells will link me to the print but barring an interoffice murder, the CSI squad will not be called.

I sit in the john and take my morning dump. Better on the company clock, I play a game of Tetris on my phone. I need a long red pattern of blocks�so I can clear 4 rows...

Someone brought in some cake. The yellow cake body tastes good but they made the frosting with powdered sugar from their house and it tastes like cupboard. And cigarette smoke.

If I carry an invoice and act determined I can go anywhere in the building and no one will question me. I talk with Darryl about the movie "Bubba Ho-Tep." Bruce Campbell is great and he is in Seattle (My home town) screening his new movie.

I take another dump, a REAL one this time. I text my girlfriend. The fan is on. I will spray Mountain Breeze. The toilet paper is almost out and I leave 3 squares so I don't have to re-fill it.

I go to the lunchroom 5 minutes early and start my frozen burrito in the microwave. I go clock out so when I get upstairs it will be hot and I have my habenero sauce.

The time clock is set for tenths of hours so I can be up to 5 minutes late clocking in before I am actually "late."

I make a cup of coffee and have another piece of cake. If the office manager sees me she will not rat me out because she is so fat and she always picks at the sweets people bring in.

It's almost time to go so I go to my car and plug in my phone. I turn on my bluetooth so I don't have to sit in the parking lot and do it. I wait by the time clock so I can punch out exactly when it turns to 4:30.

What a fucking day...