Spartanburg, South Carolina resident Patrick Doggett called 911 early Tuesday morning, or as the cool people call it, “late Monday night,” to let the authorities know his girlfriend wouldn’t have sex with him. The officer who responded to the urgent call said Mr. Doggett, “stated he called 911 because his girlfriend, Ms. Faye Woodruff, would not give him any ass,” making this the world's first emergency butt dial.

Doggett, 53, had been drinking all day and “didn’t know where he was at,” Ms. Doggett told police. Police must have figured if Mr, Doggett wasn’t so drunk he may not have used an unnecessary preposition in that sentence, i.e. “didn’t know where he was,” because it certainly wasn’t the fault of South Carolina’s education system, ranked dead last in the nation.  Ms. Woodruff added that Doggett got into bed wanting to have sex, but “she had her grandchild with her,” so he "got up and then dialed 911.

Mr. Patrick Doggett - sources have not confirmed whether his friends call him Pat-Dog - was drinking alcohol when police arrived, and was arrested for public intoxication and booked into the county jail. According to jail records. Doggett has not been cited for misusing the 911 system, which makes sense considering he may have meant to dial 6911.