If you had ever asked me if I planned on getting a full-body massage and body scrub at a spa sometime in my life, I probably would have told you to go fist yourself, because that's not the kind of question you ask a perfect stranger.

Now that we're on the subject of full-body rape, let me tell you about my very first time having a little Asian man fingerfuck every muscle in my body, thus destroying every shred of dignity I've ever had (not that there was much to begin with) and reducing me to nothing more than some quivering sack of smashed assholes that once resembled a man.

The reason I've been gone for so long, as some none of you have noticed, is that I was just recently married. Planning a wedding is the leading cause of breakups everywhere, which means that I needed to spend every waking moment planning a party that consisted of one-hundred people getting completely obliterated and telling me how awesome my wife is.

I figured that since she was getting some kind of relaxation treatment at a quaint little spa in Hawaii, I might as well join her. After all, with all the hell I went through just planning everything with her, I figured I deserved it.

After making triple-sure she had actually requested that a woman would be running her hands all over my body (which is just RIPPLING with what could be muscle) I conceded to the idea that maybe getting my body scrubbed down could also be a good thing too.

I don't burn very easily, but believe me when I tell you that the sun in Hawaii is fucking intense. Nearly a week later, I have a burn on the upper-half of my body that resembles a life jacket because all the elements will work against you. The ocean spray from jet skiing will wash off whatever sunblock you're wearing, and the sun will beat down on you the entire time.

So imagine my surprise when the lady that was scrubbing me down decided that it would be a good idea to rub some kind of Macadamia Rape Sand into every tender area of my body. Not only was this the least erotic feeling in the world, but I STILL couldn't help getting a boner inside the paper speedo that they forced me to wear.

I couldn't risk requesting a happy ending because with all that crap all over her hands, it would be on par with wrapping your hand in duct tape and dipping it into a bucket full of broken glass and trying to jam the whole thing down your urethra. If the very thought doesn't make your asshole pucker, then you are not human...... or you don't know what your urethra is.

Simply put, after 50 minutes worth of sheer agony, I showered off and hobbled my bitch ass out of the room in my little bitch bathrobe feeling broken and used.... but mostly I felt like a little bitch. Surely, things can only get better from here on out.

"You scheduled a woman for the massage, right?" I made sure to ask my wife.

"For the last fucking time, yes. Will you please stop asking me that question?"

"I would, but that lady back there had man-hands. This paper here says that my masseuse is named 'Colby'. That doesn't sound like a woman. It actually sounds more like a hockey player."

"Colby is a woman's name, dipshit."

"Colby Armstrong is a woman?"

"Jesus Christ..... do you want me to ask for you?"

"That would be just tremendous." I smiled.

A few minutes after my wife stepped out of view, I was greeted by a very womanly and very hot Asian lady.

"Hi! I'm Colby, your scheduled masseuse. You must be Matt?"

Oh thank God. My wife is fucking awesome. I took her hand lightly and smiled. Before I could speak, however, a man stepped out and she spoke again.

"Unfortunately, my previous appointment has been moved to this time, so Derwin will be taking care of you."

Derwin? I'm going to be rubbed down by some dude named Derwin? My wife stepped out again, took one look at my face, and nearly shit herself holding back the laughter. I smiled, shook Derwin's hand, and mouthed the words, "You're dead, bitch" to my wife.

She giggled and flipped me off.

Laying down on the table, Derwin draped the towel over my entire body and put pressure on my back.

"How's that?" He asked me.

"Harder, please." I responded.

I was going to make this asshole work for his money.

He paused. This was a challenge, and he knew it. I was calling out his manhood, because mine had been called into question. He accepted the challenge.

"Harder? We can do a deep-tissue massage using Shiatsu for your back, and the traditional Polynesian Lomi-Lomi massage for the front. It will be a very intense combination. Is this what you want?"

"Let's do it." I responded.

He started with the left half of my body by taking his elbow and grinding down onto the pressure point just below my scapula.

"How's this?"

"SWEET SCREAMING SHEEPSHIT, TAKE YOUR ELBOW OUT OF MY BODY!!!!!" My mind screamed as pain radiated out as far as my shoulder.

"Good." My mouth said simply as he tweaked the nerve deep inside me causing me to nearly lose control of my bowels and shit all over his table.

That was only the beginning. Each point that he touched in my body would be gone over three times before he would move on, leaving me begging for death as I lay there like the worthless sack of shit that I was. He stuck his thumbs inside my shoulder and I could feel it twitch for a second. My first sign of weakness.

"This is what you wanted, yeah?" He mocked.

"Oh yeah."

"Want me to go easier?"

"No, this is perfect." I strained.

A well-placed elbow just above my asscheek nearly made me puke my lungs out. He moved down to my hamstring.

"Hey, this part isn't so - JESUS JUMPING CHRIST ON A POGO STICK PLEASE PUT A BULLET THROUGH ME RIGHT NOW!!!!" My mind squealed once again as white-hot pain shot down from my hamstring through my calf.

After he was done, he gave my quivering left asscheek a slap and moved on to the right side to do the same thing.......

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All in all, the massage lasted two hours. Derwin remarked afterwards that he was surprised how much pressure I was able to take, but he knew that he had won..... the man had barely broken a sweat.

What bothered me and my wife the most, however, wasn't the fact that I had gone through the ordeal of having some dude with a penchant for slapping my ass rub me down for two hours. No, there was an unspoken truth that will never be mentioned again for the remainder of our marriage:

An Asian man raped my body..... and I liked it.