It was a dark and stormy night, my girlfriend had left me and i found out i was adopted and my best friend for 6 years was a figment of my imagination. a psychologist told me that. I took the train to New York City in an attempt to find my real parents, but then, all of a sudden! i stopped taking the train and started walking because i felt like it. until a truck pulled up asked me if I needed a ride, gasping inappropriately and unnecessarily loud i accepted this humble offer and boarded his vessel of righteousness. I didn't have money to pay the man so he asked for a kiss instead, i pulled out a slightly melted hershey's chocolate from my pocket and gifted it to the grotesquely bearded road viking.

I walked pass a bunch of hip corporate fat cats discussing what the new logo for pepsi should be, they asked me for my opinion and i was like "do a fingernail". one of them menacingly held his hand to enter me in a high five action, i noticed a large nail sticking FROM OUT OF HIS FINGERNAIL AND HE WANTED TO STAB ME! apparently i was insensitive to his condition. it was at this exact moment the big apple seemed more like the big poopie.

i frolicked down broadway and encountered non other than mayor rudolph guliani himself. i forcefully engaged him in conversation and he unwarrantably conversed about how all the other reindeer made fun of him. i was fucking confused as dope. so i gave him a titty twister to release his pain. yea i know ancient chinese techniques. he was angry and headbutted me with his antlers, so i ripped off his scrotum and rain away with his antlers protruding from my body.
 
the hospital was accommodated by a ton of out dated greasers. why? i asked for assistance on my problem and one doctor slicked down his eyebrow and said "we don't like your kind around here". i was forced to rip his scrotum off too and with these ballsacks i decided to give myself a skin graft over my antler wound and was as good as new but even better because now i had more manliness inserted into me. no homo.

now, back to my quest of maternal stuff. i asked a police officer how i could trace my parents, he laughed, i started a testicle necklace, testiniclace. now i'm a wanted man. the cops circled me and bagged me and tagged me and watched me in my jail cell waiting to get raped by burly black men. i pissed on my shirt and drowned all the cops watching me, then my trucker friend backed into the jail cell and i escaped holding onto the side of the truck like a mother fucking maniac and lit a pizza hut on fire like rambo would if he did that. a man descended from pretty much nowhere and said "SON" i recognized him because he was my gardener for 10 years 10 years ago, i hugged my dad and he put in his van and now we are all happy and dandy EXCEPT OH NO HE'S PUTTING ME IN A CELLAR NOW AAAAAAAAAA.