I've found myself on several occasions fantasizing wondering about what it would be like if I were flexible enough to give myself a blowjob.

I'll be the first to admit..... I tried, and I think I ended up bursting the blood vessels in my eyes after the strain of trying to pull off such a maneuver. I'd imagine it would be a lot easier if I weren't hung like a coffee can, but I digress.

One pulled hamstring, two broken coffee tables, one soiled set of underwear, and a sprained ankle later, I began to consider the ramifications of such an act. Had I been able to pull it off, it certainly would have made for a hell of a conversation. But any conversation like that will inevitably boil down to one topic. It doesn't matter how you describe the various intricacies of actually GETTING your own dick in your mouth, somebody will always ask:

Is it gay to give yourself a blowjob?

The thought in and of itself is one of life's riddles that has eluded even the greatest of minds. In just the same way that Philetas of Cos contemplated the Liar's Paradox, all men throughout time have ruminated the idea of self-fellatio and one's sexual orientation if able to perform such a feat.

Many would be quick to dismiss it as a homosexual act, simply because, as Alfred Tarski so eloquently put it, "It's a dick in a man's mouth."

But is it really so simple? After further research into the matter, I began to come to the conclusion that perhaps, if a man were able to give himself a good hummer, it would be a logical phallacy fallacy to consider him a knob-gobbling queen any more than saying a man likes taking it in the brown-eye simply because he gives himself a hand-job every now and then.

Where exactly is the line drawn? The scientific term for the act of giving oneself a good rub-n'-tug is known as "masturbation". So could it be that swallowing a lunchmeat truncheon is, in itself, another form of masturbation?

Many, at this point, would be quick to take the middle road and say, "It's only gay if you cum".

This is quite the dilemma. Since by this point we can agree that giving yourself a handjob is little different than giving yourself a blowjob, then by using this logic it would be considered gay if ALL masturbatory acts ended with the purple mushroom slinging forth a torrent of hot yoghurt.

What if it ends in a moneyshot? Is it any different than getting lap-rocket juice all over your hands and saying "oops, too late"?

Perhaps the line can be drawn if a man swallows. Throating a hot load, in any form, could be considered gay for a man. Even if he innocently happens to "like the taste", I do not feel there is sufficient cause to label swallowing any less depraved than eating corn the long way.

So what do you think? If men had the physical prowess to lick the little bishop, would it cease being masturbation only at the point of orgasm where he makes his life-altering decision?

Or is it just plain gay?

This sentence is false.