Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare on Elm Street)

Suspected child murderer Freddy Krueger was burnt to death last evening. Krueger made national headlines earlier this year after narrowly avoiding incarceration for his suspected role in the murders of several neighborhood children. Authorities have ruled the death an accident, adding that the community can “sleep better at night knowing that Krueger is off the streets”.

Palpatine (Star Wars)

Emperor Palpatine, the undisputed ruler of the Galactic Empire, died in a freak fall down the Death Star’s Reactor Shaft. He is remembered by friends and colleagues for his dry sense of humor and love for jazz, and is survived by the power of The Dark Sideeeee.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (Full Metal Jacket)

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman was shot and killed yesterday by a member of the Marine Corps. The same Marine Corps which he loved so very much. Sergeant Hartman could often be found encouraging recruits with statements such as, “Bullshit. It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress.” He is survived by the numerous enemies of America that he was unable to kill.

Smeagol (Lord of the Rings)

Smeagol died today doing what he loved best: holding his precious. His former friends and companions could only watch in horror as he flung himself into a pit of magma chasing after the Ring of Power, however, each of them described his expression of complete joy as he was drawn into the molten rock and utterly incinerated.

Annie Wilkes (Misery)

Retired Nurse Annie Wilkes has passed away after succumbing to repeated blows to the head from a typewriter. Those who knew her described her as Novelist Paul Sheldon's number one fan and noted her childhood enthusiasm for chapter plays.

Norman Stansfield (The Professional)

Agent Stansfield died today in the line of duty: killed by grenades detonated by a man he had just shot in the back. Known for his love of classical music and eccentric hygiene, “Stansfield” was tireless in his pursuit of justice, sometimes working for days upon days without sleep and food. Many recall Agent Stansfield’s love of laughter which would often follow the ingestion of his mysterious and unidentified medication. He will be missed.

Tommy Devito (Goodfellas)

Thomas Devito has left this earth, killed by a self inflicted gunshot to the back of the head. Remembered as a funny guy and a total wisecracker, Tommy was on his way to a party in his honor when he apparently decided to say, “Fuck it,” and if that don’t sound plausible then maybe you should stick your nose somewhere else before someone cuts it off of your face.