If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running
down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to
town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster
named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is
this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible
to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding! considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed Paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally.
She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye,
and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during
the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?