A few one liners, and some other jokes by the best stand up comic ever.

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too."

"When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was."

"I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. They are off-white. I'm not even white, I'm off-white. It's a new race, we will prevale."

"Thank you, this is my favorite place to perform comedy... a big room."

"One time I had a Jack and Coke and it had a lime in it, and the lime was floating. I tell you that's some good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver on, and people will be like, what the hell? Then I will pull out a lime...and a lemon too! I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus!!!"