* Aries Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country.
* Taurus Despite your attempts to make it look like an accident, investigators will immediately suspect you of burning down your wife for the insurance money.
* Gemini Your inquisitive nature will soon see you demanding answers to a series of questions ranging from "Huh?" to "Who the—?" and "Whazzat?
* Cancer An agonizing and seemingly endless disemboweling will soon show you exactly what you're made of.
* Leo You will soon meet the greatest love of your life, which, unfortunately, has less to do with the quality of the former than the brevity of the latter.
* Virgo An old adage will be proven wrong this Thursday when bad things come to you in two-hundred-and-forty-threes.
* Libra Your perfectionist streak will consume you this week when you attempt to posit the world's single most precise chaos theory.
* Scorpio Who's to say what's right and what's wrong, except maybe for all those police officers, the presiding district court judge, and a horrified jury of your peers.
* Sagittarius After decades of soul-searching and inward reflection, you'll finally realize this week that the question of God was always intended to be rhetorical.
* Capricorn Despite seemingly insurmountable odds, you will once again manage to talk your way out of sounding interesting this week.
* Aquarius The alignment of the stars and the planets this week can only mean one thing: You're looking at a very simplistic, two-dimensional model of our solar system.
* Pisces You've never really imagined yourself as the committed type, but a state-appointed psychiatrist will soon prove you wrong.