Your respiratory and digestive systems are optional. Cast them aside if you feel you no longer need them.

If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.

If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with scary eyes, run away now.

Survive a biohazard attack by first standing, then begging on your knees, then rolling over and playing dead.

If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.

Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.

If your building collapses, climb under your table and practice yoga postures.

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.

If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.

After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.

Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.

People, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol are all at risk of being sucked into the time-tunnel vortex.

To eliminate smallpox, wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand under a faucet with no sink.

The middle of a terrorist attack is not an appropriate time to catch up on your reading or paperwork.

If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.

If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that.

A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. The current world record is 5 minutes, 12 seconds.